The Book
by TheSluts
Summary: This is our book of life and we hope to be on Ellen.
1. Chapter 1

**Hormones**

**Why the freak do they call them hormones? Well, we've been wondering this for a long time, and we got the answer. So, I'm sure everybody knows what a whore is, right? It's pretty simple, and if you don't know, let us look it up on urban dictionary for you. Ain't nobody got time for that though. Whores like to play around with guys or in other cases it's a "minor annoyance". You're not really mad at them, but still kind of pissed.**

**"Hey, who ate the last doughnut?"**

**"I did."**

**"Whore."**

**What a whore, right? So you now have an idea of what a whore is. How is all that related to hormones? Think about it. Hor-mones. "Hor" is the first part, which is referring to a whore. Hormones, like whores, play around a lot. So, next time your biology teacher asks you what hormones are, you know what to say.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Pennies**

**I know what you're thinking: what does pennies have do with anything? Well that's cause you're pronouncing it wrong. Really emphasize the last part of the word. (Pen-ese) Which in turn sounds like the one thing that simply must be poorly drawn in every frickin textbook in high school. The thing that guys have. And hopefully, you're old enough to know the differences between males and females. If you're not, then why the freak are you reading this book? Anyway, this was just kind of made up so i didn't have to say the actual word.**

**So next time you need to answer a Biology question, the answer is always pennies. No matter what the question is. **

**"****what is the role of mitochondria?"**

**"****pennies"**

**?**

**Straight A's all year long**

**If pennies doesn't work then another good back-up is mitochondria.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Baby Daddy**

**Its a really long story, so don't think too much about it. But it all started at band. We are band geeks, in case you don't know. It all started at MPA. Dont ask what it is. And this dude friend of ours kept pretending that his water , Brent, kept spilling his water bottle everywhere. Leave it to a french horn. So, after that day, we always teased Brent about his water breaking. Then one day we decided to pull a little prank on our other dude friend, Jerome. So we decide to create a group chat and start interrogating him about his "illegitimate child". And this is how it went:**

**a safe place. Don't be scared my dirty hoe."**

***We wanted to make sure he felt safe to tell us anything***

**"****Cause we won't judge you. This happens all the time. Just be honest with us." **

**"****It can happen to anyone."**

**"****But it didn't happen to me"**

**"****But just know we are here for you"**

**"****Always"**

**"****Forever"**

**"****Till the end of the line"**

**"****Till you get eaten or hit by a car."**

**"****whenever"**

**"******Uhm...What?"****

**"****Dang it Jerome just tell us!"**

**"****The suspense is killing us"**

**"******About what?"****

**"****I think you know what"**

**"****Stop denying it"**

**"******Uhm… I know what?"****

**"******I DON'T KNOW"****

**This went on for several minutes including mild swearing until he got so pissed at us that we asked him. Surprisingly, he didn't know he was having a baby child with Brent. So we are hoping that Jerome doesn't hate us. Although he probably does. But that is what is known as the "Baby Daddy Incident."**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Pretzel Bender**

**What is the definition of a pretzel bender? I mean, it's obviously when you bend a pretzel, right? No.**

**1\. A peculiar person**

**2\. A player of the French Horn**

**3\. A heavy drinker**

**4\. A wrestler**

**One of these apply to me. Maybe two. Numbers 1 and 2. I do play French Horn and don't even know about number 1. My friend called me this one day and I'm just like "the freak is a pretzel bender" and she made me look it up...**

**so I looked it up and everything and it said it was a French Horn player and I'm just like "I PLAY THE FRENCH HORN". In band, each section makes their own shirt, they design it. And I'm thinking that the pretzel benders would be awesome for the shirt. I mean, think about it. Would you rather be called a French horn player, or a pretzel bender? Pretzel bender just sounds cool.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Telepathic Minds**

**This is a very short story about how the other author and I are telepathic. I know, it's completely true and I promise you it is legit. This is how we discovered our "gift".**

**We had been talking about what we were going to wear for an awards banquet that one of our clubs was having. We are not dress wearing people mind you. But, for this once in a lifetime, rare occasion we decided that we were both going to wear nice dresses. So like any other normal person we talked about how every girl must have a laced bra. Which then led to this conversation, in which she is in bold.**

"I bet you shower naked."

"You slut."

**"******HOW DID YOU KNOW"****

"Our telepathic minds."

**"******DON'T YOU DARE TELL MY PARENTS"****

**And that concludes the story of how we knew we were telepathic.**


	6. Chapter 6

**The Advice**

**Don't you just get excited when your best friend asks you for advice? Like, you expect it to be about relationships or crap like that. No. That's not how it is. Not for me at least.**

"I NEED YOUR ADVICE"

**"****For what"**

"ok so theres this song"

**"****Dang"**

"and the only way to get it is to buy the album"

"But the album is ten bucks!"

"Do I get the song or nah?"

**"****Are u freaking kidding me"****  
****"****U needed my advice whether to buy a song or not?"**

"DOES IT SOUND LIKE I AM KIDDING?"

"10 DOLLAS"

**But she bought it anyways. She hates all the other songs on the album, but she listens to the one song on loop. These are the people I'm dealing with. People who obsess over music instead of guys. Slut. If you can't appreciate guys then you might as well be lesbian**


	7. Chapter 7

Don't Be That Chick

This might be the weirdest conversation I've ever had, but it's a conversation that I'm pretty sure a lot of girls relate too. Maybe guys. I hope not. So, my friend and I were just talking about random stuff and I don't even know how it came up, but we started talking about how girls put their money in their bra. Gross. I can't even. And it went something like this:

"The poor cashier that has to take the money from dem"

"I be like. Nope. Nope. Nope. Take it. I don't want it. Take that back."

"Like, da freak you doin"

"**U CAN HAVE IT ALL FOR FREE JUST DON'T MAKE ME TOUCH THAT"**

"PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT"

"**WHAT HAVE U DONE TO GEORGE WASHINGTON'S FACE"**

"MA'AM YOU'RE SCARING THE CUSTOMERS"

And it went on like that for a while cause it's just disgusting. Like, don't you have a wallet or purse or something besides your bra? There are only two things that belong in womens' bras. And I'm sure you know what that is. Also, when you go hug a guy, you want it to be all special and everything. I think your phone might just ruin that if you put it in your bra.

*Goes to hug a guy*

*Phone starts vibrating*

That ain't good.

And that's all I got.


	8. Chapter 8

The 35 Year Olds

What's your definition of being old? How old is it exactly? 50? 65? No. Its 35. Most people consider that middle age, honestly middle age is like 25. Usually, people start getting gray hair in their 40's. Gray hair doesn't determine oldness or whatever though. It's how you spend your life. People start to get bored with their jobs and kids and they're probably just thinking "I can't wait to retire". Unless you're a celebrity. Also, it depends on the music you listen to. If you're listening to, I don't know, The Beach Boys still, that's old, which makes you old. So, lesson of the day: Have fun and don't do old stuff.


	9. Chapter 9

**Lesbihonest**

**So me and my best friend found the most perfect picture that describes us in the most perfect way. Cause my friend is just so perfectly frickin perfect. You will never be able to compare to how perfect she is. And my perfect friend found this perfect picture. Of course I'm paraphrasing, but it said something like "As your best friend, I will always pretend to be your lesbian lover if you ever get hit on by a creepy dude". That is a true friend right there. Like, I could be kidnapped or something, but now I don't have to worry cause I know my pretend lesbian lover will be there to save me and scare the dude away. Moral of the story: Always have a friend who's willing to be a lesbian for you. If you're a guy, then you're screwed.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Ghost-friends**

**So if you haven't read any of the other chapters, but somehow stumbled onto this one, you should know something: I have a crazy best friend, who is about as random as they come. So to prove this to you I will embellish about our friendship and how truly random she is. She sent me this picture which pretty much describes us. It read "I hope we're friends until we die. And then I hope we stay we can walk through walls and scare the shit out of people. That's gonna be so cool." Which would honestly be so cool. I mean, not only staying friends even when we are dead, but scaring people all day long and then laughing and crying over how people get scared. Yep, that's going to be awesome. So hopefully you have a friend like this, if not, well you life is going to be VERY boring. **


	11. Chapter 11

Ya gonna get shot in Brazil

Everybody learns something new everyday. From learning the alphabet to learning how to drive, which I suck at. Anyway, I learned something new not too long ago. So, one of my best friends is from Brazil and she went there for the whole summer to visit. Sometimes she speaks Portuguese to me without even realizing it and I remember one day she said "I can only speak Portuguese in Brazil, if I speak English there I would probably get shot" and at first I thought she was joking, but turned out she was dead serious. Ha ha. Get it, dead. Because she can get shot….lesson learned, never visit Brazil unless you speak Portuguese or you're James Bond.


	12. Chapter 12

**Female Boner**

**This is kind of a long and awkward story, but I just had to know. First of all, never ask a guy about boners, it gets weird. That was my mistake, and things just went downhill from there. I asked him what it felt like and he answered and everything, but it was just awkward. So, after that me and my friend, Sally, were wondering if there was a female boner. We couldn't figure it out, so we made it up ourselves. It's when you get a tingly in your thingly. And that's all I got for that.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Imagine Dragons Marching Show**

**So, you know that I'm in band. Well for football season, I'm part of the Marching Band. Each year we have a different show that our band director chooses for us. So I was thinking we should do a "Imagine Dragons Marching Show". I mean how cool would that be? I would love coming to practice and especially learning how to play some of my favorite songs. Plus, who wouldn't want to see the entire band put on an epic show? It would be so awesome. You can only understand this if you're a band geek. So if you aren't join band. **


	14. Chapter 14

**The Cold Soul**

**It's one thing to have the weirdest friend on the planet, but it's another thing when they also have the coldest soul ever. They never cry, like, ever. Robots don't cry. I have come to the conclusion that they're a robot, but that's not the point. They know they have a cold soul. Sometimes I question our friendship, but after I have a Dr. Pepper I'm just like, whatever. We had like a twenty minute conversation about this.**

**"****At least I don't have a cold soul"**

**"******Right. Imma put on a jacket"****

**"****A dark, cold soul"**

**"******You're so sweet"****

**"****You might also need a scarf"**

**"******And some boots"****

**"****And some ear muffs"  
****"******And a hat"******  
****"****And like three layers of socks"  
Don't forget the gloves"**

**"******Dang it. I might just need a ski mask"****

**"****And top it off with some hot chocolate"**

**"******AND SOUP"****

** "****And you can use your dog to warm your feet up too. I actually do that all the time"**

**These are the stupid conversations that we have all the time. Like, we could be doing more useful stuff, but nah.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Coke Shirt +Coke**

**So one day I was at lunch sitting with my friends, eating an apple, when one of my friends started shouting and pointing at me. I looked at her like she was crazy, which she kinda is, and asked her what was wrong with her. I took a swig of my coke that I had bought earlier that morning. To which she pointed at my shirt. Then I realized that I was wearing a Coca-Cola shirt. So then she proceeded to take a picture, because why not capture this moment? So for today's lesson: one can only properly drink a can of coke when wearing a Coca-Cola shirt. Second lesson: Don't have weird friends.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Why We Can't Become Strippers**

**This is just a random list of why exactly we can't be strippers**

**1\. We ain't got the body**

**2\. We ain't got the face**

**3\. We wouldn't get any money**

**4\. We're not exactly old enough...yet**

**5\. We're not really good with poles**

**6\. It's hard being sexy all night long**

**7\. We don't put money in our bras**

**8\. We can't dance**

**9\. We don't want awkward family reunions**

**10\. Ain't nobody got time for that**

**Can you think of any other reasons? I can't. These are the top ten main reasons why we ain't strippers.**


End file.
